The Future

Lately, my life has taken a turn: left all my friends in Manila to move to the U.S. Also, got older, a little wiser, a little sexier, a little cuter. At the same time, all my friends are graduating, seeking nonexistent jobs for Literature majors. Everyone seemed to be moving on. Everyone is going to the next chapter of their lives, breaking up with college romances or creating new ones. They’ll probably get married soon too and have a baby. (At this point of my life, I’ll be glad if my friends had a baby)

I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out. And I wish someone could take the sadness I cannot (a Sia lyrics). When I look back at my life, and trust me this happens more often that I thought—reading old messages, scrolling through the pictures I posted on Twitter, a hole in me deepens. Like someone’s operating a hole in my heart and with a finger, digs and digs on it.

The Daily Patrick, the blog before this, meant a lot to me but I’ve decided to delete it because I realized I don’t want all of my work public and free for plagiarizing. It was also pretty tiring to have a daily commitment like a boyfriend or school (this is why I don’t have relationships! SSSH!). The Patrick Chronicles means a lot to me too. I’d like to think I’ve written some great blog entries (personal favorites: Awards Season and Feminism through Selena Gomez).

There’s a part of me that says, stay visible. Stay active. Your friends love you and they want to know what is up with you. And for quite some time, I’d like to stay that way.

On the other hand, I also want to stay low. I want to regroup. To think things through. What should be my next step in life aside from getting myself a bear claw or getting a date? So, yes, this is goodbye. I hope someday I could get back to writing blog entries. Maybe I will. But as of the present, I’m not planning to. I’m probably like Kris Aquino quitting showbiz then coming back a month after. I have several blogs of Tumblr and Blogspots I cannot delete after all. But right now, this is how I feel.

So to Denden, the only one I’m sure of who reads my blog on a regular basis: thank you.

I have a couple posts that I’ll be doing: a tour of Las Vegas and playlist 20, a playlist composed of songs that I have listened to over the years. The playlist 20 is titled Changes. Both of which are coming out on June.

For me, this is my future: I’ll be writing and writing secretly, try to get a novel done, a short story done, or a poetry collection done and submit them to various publications. I’m also going to find a job that can feed my family. I already have a Food Safety Health Card and I’ve submitted a lot of resumes online (none of which are interested). I’m going to buy a car, live an ordinary American life, complain about the hot weather about to hit this summer, go to awkward dates, fight with my family, and write. I’d like to be back to blog writing next year with this same website, so do not worry.

Do e-mail me for anything: patrickjohndanque@gmail.com

My Twitter account is pretty active: @patricksuxx

To the Future,

xx P

Explaining the playlist 19

In light of my upcoming birthday next week, I have curated a playlist for my 20th birthday. But now I’ve realized, we haven’t gotten into the 19 playlist yet which was created almost a year ago and I deemed it important to explain how each song is important to me. It’s just that according to the musical movie Begin Again, “you can know a lot about the person just by looking at her/his playlist.” Non-verbatim. You can listen to the 19 playlist on Spotify here except for the Grouplove song while you read this. You’re welcome.

  1. You Are a Tourist – Death Cab for Cutie

The playlist opens up with this song from the Codes and Keys album. Now it’s a very special song because it reminded me of my fifteen-year old self which was a time of adolescence anxiety, find-yourself kind of desperation and sadness (it was summer), and life-altering decisions (post-high school, pre-college era). The song is about home and the alienation of home and you suddenly becoming a tourist to your own home. Also, you can say that the album is one of my most favorite albums of all time if not a Lana Del Rey album.

2.West Coast – Lana Del Rey

Released as the lead single for her second album, Ultraviolence, this dreamy guitar-heavy anthem for going to the beach and California is dark and grim. Somehow I’ve realized it is more fascinating to be in Hollywood, the white beaches of California, the gods and monsters that live there, and when it’s dark, it is sort of nastier than New York. Now, Lana del Rey isn’t for everyone but it’s enough to make her A-List famous.

3. Wonderwall – Oasis

All my life I’ve known this song from karaoke or radios until it became officially a favorite since I heard it in TV shows like My Mad Fat Diary (which features a lot of British music in the 80s and 90s) or HBO’s Girls. I hope everyone’s familiar with this one. I remember watching Lena Dunham, half-naked in her bathtub, murmuring the song or that scene when she rested her head on the toilet after puking. Sometimes I sing this song in the exact manner.

4. Two Fingers – Jake Bugg

Jake Bugg when he first came out with Lightning Bolt was a pleasant surprise. He has this weird, country deep voice that I really like. It’s unique and Two Fingers made his voice more pronounced and it’s catchy as fuck. One of the things I remember with this song is when I wash the dishes. Sometimes I finish the entire album while I’m singing his songs, twirling around in the kitchen—I’m that slow in washing the dishes.

5. Seaside – The Kooks

I’ve dedicated this song to Seaside Pints. This song reminds me of her and this is the song I’ve been repeating when I was by the sea one time, alone and I had to kill time.

6. VCR – The XX

Do you have those songs which will instantly make you feel sad and curl up in a ball like a fetus and contemplate? This is it. I sincerely love them from the bottom of my heart and I always remember myself lying in bed just listening to this song after a whole day of stressful academics.

7. Hood – Perfume Genius

This is my most recent discovery out of these 18 other songs. This song came from his pre-fame album, Put Your Back N 2 It. What I like about this is the sadness in it: “You would never call me baby, if you knew the truth.” Also, the music video’s powerful, featuring a gay porn star putting make up on Perfume Genius.

8. Chelsea Hotel No. 2 – Leonard Cohen

One of Lana Del Rey’s cover and poof! – becomes my new favorite. The song has more pronounced sadness and hopeless than some of the songs I’ve listed here and it ends with: “that’s all, I don’t even think of you that often.” I remember my mother saying she fell asleep to this song when I was playing it when we used to sleep on my grandmother’s bedroom. For me, when my family likes even just a song that I truly love, it means the world to me. Also, I like how I can sing this song so well. Most songs in this list are songs I can sing okay.

9. 400 Lux – Lorde

I have lots of favorite songs from Lorde but this is my all-time favorite. Lorde’s music reminds me of a simple neighborhood—a home for the teenage soul, where first times occur and the desire to get out of this place intensifies. Also, this is my go-to shower song. I really like songs I can sing well.

10. Blue Jeans – Lana del Rey

It’s too hard for me to pick one Lana del Rey song to include this year but I’ve discussed it with myself that I’ll just include a Lana del Rey song per year but since it’s my first playlist, I decided two is okay. The problem here is that Lana puts out an album every one or two years that it’s hard to pick one when almost every song is a favorite. Additionally, she has so many unreleased songs leaking year after year. So, yeah, this song was to me one of the best. It featured her well and it did great on the charts.

11. Feelin’ Good – Nina Simone

Nina Simone is one of Del Rey’s favorite artist. This is Nina’s most known song but I doubt that kids my age and my ethnicity listen to her. Del Rey has a tattoo Nina.

12. We Are Young – fun.

This to me is a song of freedom and energy. It’s probably one of my top three songs in this playlist. Before I listened to Oasis, The Beatles, and The Cure, fun. was my go-to boy band. I even burned the entire album from my computer so I can listen to it well on the stereo. Filed Under: Songs I Want to Die Listening To.

13. She Said – Longpigs

Discovered from the My Mad Fat Diary playlist. I’ve repeated this song once in the shower to make my playlist diverse because most of the time it’s just a bunch of female pop stars and the song grew on me. This is the only song I’ve known from them and probably the only song I remember. The TV series meant a lot to me and somehow this song represents the show to me.

14. Just Tonight – The Pretty Reckless

There was a point in my life when I was obsessed with Taylor Momsen. Seeing a rock band, which sometimes overlaps with metal rock, fronted by a woman is amazing to me and her music and its devilish themes appeal to me so much. This song is one of the few songs I can play in the guitar. I’ve been listening to this song since high school.

15. Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

I hate Katy Perry. There was a time where Lady Gaga and Katy Perry were neck and neck in awards and the top charts, and she always got the upper hand. But I loved the album Teenage Dream either way and this song, together with the music video, resonate freedom and youth. I just like to reminisce the time before my sexual awakening and how I was so curious about being a teenager and sex.

16. Everyone’s Gonna Get High – Grouplove

From the Girls soundtrack and this was Grouplove’s pre-fame era as well. When I refer to pre-fame, I’m talking about the time when they weren’t on any top charts or in anyone’s top albums, or mine’s. My other Grouplove favorite is Shark Attack. Like Wonderwall, this song reminds me of the show and New York.

17. Our Day Will Come – Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse is so special to me that I’m going to tattoo her name on my finger one day. That day will come. I remember listening to this song when I had summer classes in UP for LIRA, a poet fellowship and lecture and workshop series.

18. El Condor Pasa (If I Could) – Simon & Garfunkel

Along with any Lana del Rey song, El Condor Pasa is one of those songs that you wish you’d die to. It’s the theme song of Wild, which was a marvelous movie and ever since, the song felt like a journey. Filed under: songs to die to.

19. The Edge of Glory – Lady Gaga

Like Lana, I’ve struggled to pick just one song because I have fallen deeply in love with every one of her song but this song deals with death. Not necessarily a person but a death of something in the past to create glorious beginnings. When she played this on the Howard Stern show, I was moved to the bones.

Not that Kind of Ghurl

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The prettiest book cover, art and lay out I’ve ever had seen and touched, no kidding.

In the first two years of Lena Dunham’s HBO show Girls, everyone wanted to be like her. She’s an auteur after all, unafraid, and bold, doing her thing on her own. Years later, and one racial controversy over, her show is about to end and many young girls like me who have cried over the season finale of the first two season, fantasized about the independence and life in New York, listened to the soundtrack she curated, have moved on to other female role models like Beyoncé or Emma Watson. As for me, it’s Mindy Kaling.

I’m not saying she’s no longer famous or relevant. I’m also not saying that I have forgotten about her. I’m saying this in the context of my friends who have loved her and had moved on to more lesser known specimen and heroes but stronger, especially when we had delved deeper into feminism and the first ones who were there and weren’t part of Taylor Swift’s cult called the ‘squad.’

Ever since her book came out, I’ve always wanted to get one of my own. I even marked it as ‘must-buy’ in my GoodReads shelves to remind myself to buy my own copy. Some part of me thought that it was going to be some kind of Bible for me even if it was all about being a woman (which to me translated to as a ‘coming-of-age’).

Then, three months in America and being a patron of a library district, I passed by a copy of this book, sitting at the bottom of the shelves, its pink font popped out of its dull-colored neighbors. Add to that is Pulitzer Prize critic Emily Nussbaum’s tweets regarding the newly improved season of Girls. So yeah, I took this book out and ran for the car after two weeks of contemplating and finishing the books I borrowed before.

Not That Kind of Girl isn’t as relatable as the other female celebrity/TV bosses memoirs that I’ve read: Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, and Tina Fey (and soon, Schumer’s!). It’s very different. It’s not like talking to a cool best friend like all the other books I’ve mentioned. It’s more ‘literary’ if there is such a thing, bordering on fiction with a dash of experimental, and lists.

I’ve figured that Dunham’s memory isn’t as sharp as the stories she narrated from her three year old self. In fact, she is, as she had proclaimed in her book, an unreliable narrator. And to be honest, I don’t think we should really care. I do think she ‘remembered some things in an artistic way’ (this is a Lady Gaga reference, Youtube Marry the Night). At one point in every memoir, or in writing one, we become unsure if we’re recreating a memory with imagination or telling it as it is.

The thing is: creative nonfiction is not at all concerned with the purity of the truth. If it is, we’ll just look at the person’s Wikipedia page. It is about rather how truth is manipulated and manufactured to tell a story, an entertaining and insightful yet honest one. Absolute truth does not exist, people. So no, I don’t think we should concern ourselves with Dunham’s ability to remember something so specific when she was so young and to debate about it further. Reading nonfiction requires trust. Trust that the writer was honest and the reader as accepting and open.

Now this isn’t a review. I don’t like boxing myself into a ‘review’ and I don’t think a review is never personal. And I don’t think I’m good at it either. So I’m treating this blog entry as a reflection to her book with a few of my favorite excerpts.

Okay, many people keeps complaining about how much information Dunham relays unto its twentysomething and younger readers like me (I’m 19!). People complain about that the book was all about her white privileged life and her petty problems. Though I do agree with them bitches who gave one-star reviews, I’d like to defend Dunham by saying first, “fuck you.” Second, how much information a person gives to you is very subjective. The concept of ‘too much information’ is dangerous because most of the time the ‘information’ is taboo or graphic. Dunham doesn’t care if you don’t like her struggles with being the least best bulimic or if you think that she molested her one-year old sister when she opened her vagina (she was only seven and curious!).  The concept of too much information can be used as a weapon to silence something someone has wanted to talk about but had no one to talk about it. And we do need to talk about some things. We need to talk about rape openly because it isn’t embarrassing and it is not your fault. And she does all this, feminism and all, with her auteur shitness, in her own tiny voice.

I think stories that are filed under ‘too much information’ are stories that aren’t well-written enough to be interesting. Though at some points, in Lena Dunham’s memoir, there are uninteresting parts like her discussion of her various therapists (this is totally subjective) or her listing of her health concerns, it may have been interesting to others.

I find the chapter “Grace” to be my favorite. Her relationship with her sister is delightful to see. I wanted to see Lena be with someone who is both a friend and family and I did. Most often than not, siblings are allies. You can talk to them like a friend and you’re always with them like family.

The thing with me reading this book is that I forgot the best parts or the terrible parts of the entire book and I just finished it two hours ago but I felt like I’ve grown to love inside Dunham’s little world in a deeper way. Unlike how I read books and remember the funny parts of the book or the worst parts—compartmentalized, reading this book helped me to understand her as a whole person, though irritating at times.

I gave this book for three stars for helping me become a bigger person, in helping me see another person’s perspective, even if it’s some white fish’s. (Tangerine reference)

 

 

 

 

 

L.A.

The entire family goes to L.A. to become spring breakers one Saturday morning, visiting the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the marvelous GTA-ish Santa Monica Pier, the ultra-expensive Universal Studios, and the Philippine embassy. And yes, those are the only places we went to in three days. The photos below are the only photos I handpicked from the very few I’ve taken since my phone’s been berserk after it went swimming during my Netflix and bathe session a week before we went to L.A.

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First stop, barely awake, was the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This is Destiny’s Child. No, I already checked Lady Gaga doesn’t have one yet.

 

The Hollywood sign. Doing the slightly, pouty pose.

The Santa Monica pier photo w/ Mom. My favorite place out of the entire trip.


No matter how much I’d like to say I’m from House Slytherin, the Gryffindor in me goes wild.


Universal Studios, looking at the map, deciding where to go to next

 

 

Girls in the fam

 

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Accidental Beautiful Shot

 

 

 

The Mindy Project is Back! YASSS!!!

Over to what seemed like an eternity, after People v. OJ Simpson, David Bowie’s death, Gaga’s epic Superbowl performance, and me moving from The Philippines to the United States of America and the homesickness and the depression that lead me to a re-watch of four seasons of The Mindy Project, my favorite show is back!

There might be spoilers but I promise it won’t be that big like, say, that Seth Meyers cameos which makes me wonder where did the Seth Meyers character went that was once Mindy’s love interest?

Today’s episode, Will They or Won’t They is about making a decision. A very important one for our dear protagonist. The beginning of the episode is Stevie Wonder singing to the fast-forward to what had happened in the course of months which for some may consider as a cheat but it’s an intensely warm affair. I’d like to think this is the writers way of saying “no, we won’t indulge ourselves with what could have been obvious steps for the show. We’re more creative than that.”

Many critics panned the show for its being inconsistent which I’d like to believe is because of the writer’s range of humor but it honestly makes it unpredictable and therefore cool. It’s obviously the show for the millenial and I really don’t understand why is it not being watched by everybody when you can make a GIF out of every scene.

This season was all about pushing the envelope like its subtle feminist tropes. There’s something about this season that made it all so particular. I thought at first, maybe it’s because she’s now a mother of a cute baby. But in this episode, it was non-mother related. And again, something subtly feminist. Mindy laughs when Danny says that “men have needs,” implying that women don’t (?) and walked out. And it was not a ha-ha laugh. And that talk that she had with Chloe to which they all pronounced as “shh-loe” was kind of the real deal. She likes girl friendships now. (Did anyone remember Chloe Silverado?)

Though I loved “Beverly survived a lot of diseases” or Morgan falling off a ladder and then a couch, there was something in the tone which made it somber. There was some kind of maturing that is happening. And this maturing that is happening will affect the entire show because Mindy Lahiri is loud, a crybaby, cruel, and well, hot, and it’s so difficult for me to see it not. And in the first part of the episode, everyone in the office gasped when Mindy did not cry over Danny. And the thing is, we would love to see Mindy bawling and creating mishaps. The character who is now a little more mature cannot make jokes about her irresponsible lifestyle because she’s also a mother now. (I’m not saying being a mother and being lovably reckless is black and white but Mindy has matured a bit) And she can only make jokes about her former life like when she fell out of a hot air balloon basket. It’s all now up to the writers to level up their game for the role model Mindy is trying to be while creating mishaps, mistakes, and recklessness at the same time. Hopefully, it will be refreshing to get to know more about this new Mindy but still funny Mindy, referring to both show and the character.

As for the other characters, there are great in only small dosages. I honestly think that the episodes that has B-plot or the C-plot are the ones that are shaky. On that note, I’m admitting that I’m slowly loving Fortune! And more Adam Pally please!

Either way, my love for this show runs deep and I can’t help but think Danny and Mindy falling apart is just one big epic conclusion to the end because I remember in the winter finale Danny was asking Mindy “to stay and change things” and she shouldn’t just walk away. And she did stay in the practice and it was great for her. Let’s just continue to pray to Madonna until the 26th episode.

Speaking of endings, is there news of season five? Well, my only hope for this show is to get a final season like any other shows actually, rather than killing a show without warning and resolution for the fans. I’m predicting there will be a season five and six. Other than that, I’m not really sure. I just really hope this show gets more attention. I have faith that it will hog a few awards this year.

Also, Mindy, if you’re reading this, last night I was thinking about Kris Jenner’s cameo. How about cameos for Kim Kardashian and her baby? That would be cool. They could playdate Leo.

I’m not sure if I can write another  review/recap/reaction entry next week like when I used to in season 2 but then college got to me so yes, it’s bye for now. Thank you for reading this. Comment angry things at me!

 

 

Places/ Persons I Love Farting In/To

This is a repost from my The List App account and rewriting some parts of it to format it into a blog entry. The thing is, farting is so common, yet we have so many different experiences regarding farts and most of them are untold and some, according to a comment, like mine is full of heart.

Well, we all have that occasional slow silent farts we have to let go. The better question is where or to whom.

  1. The bookstore. My sister has this huge thing about this specific bookstore branch that makes her really fart so bad and so wrong which I had adapted but in a different bookstore. I don’t know what is up with bookstore but I still just walk around browsing and farting.
  2. My sister’s hand. I only did this when I was a gross ten year old boy to annoy the shit out of her.
  3. In the men’s room, in the urinals, when I’m peeing. Am I the only who uncontrollably farts when I pee? It was so embarrassing when everybody heard me, oh my god. Which body organ that holds the fart? And does it coordinate with your kidneys??? Help me, jesus fucking christ…
  4. My mother and father. Every time the sun starts to rise, my parents would start their fart-off. One’s the loud one and the other smells so bad, I’m not going to identify them for their own protection. This happened when we all slept in one bed. I used to help out but I don’t think I can top my parents. They’re my role models.
  5. When my friends smoke. I don’t smoke and this is the only way I could contribute to air pollution.
  6. To myself. I sniff the shit out of my own fart. But when if it belongs to others, I get immediately grossed out.

To anyone who farts in airplanes, you guys are sick. I’m claustrophobic and farting would suffocate the shit out of me.

The picture is Gene Belcher, the boy with the fart musical instrument, from Bob’s Burgers.

Butas: isang dagli

(C) Patrick John Danque 2015

Butas

Labas na labas ang pusod niyang nakausli sa kanyang pagtatable sa isang bar ng isang production house sa isang kalyeng di niya masambit ang pangalan. Ibinibilad niya ito sa mga ilaw ng bar, sa mga titig ng mga kalalakihang busog na busog ang mga mata sa dami ng mga mapuputing hitang ng mga babaeng kumekendeng ang kalayaan at hubad ang karangyaan.

Ang kustomer niya ngayong gabi – bilog ang tiyan, may konting kaputian at nakapolo. Sa kaliwang kamay nito, inuuyayi ang isang malamig na bote ng alak. Sa kanan, nakakapit sa binti niya na sa bawat laklak nito ay unti-unting gumagapang paitaas. Naramdaman niya ang kamay nitong parang balat ng ahas. May pangiti-ngiti pa ‘tong nalalaman, sungki naman ang mga ngipin.

Sinalubong niya ng kanyang kamay na binalutan ng lotion ang kalikutan ng kamay ng kanyang kustomer. Pinilit niyang ngumiti na lamang. May pawis na nagbubutil-butil sa leeg ng kanyang kustomer.

Maya-maya pa’y dumukot ang kustomer niya sa kaniyang bulsa ng sigarilyo’t lighter at tinigan niya lamang ang paglapat ng mga labi nito sa puwit sa sigarilyo bago ito ibinuga sa mukha niya. Kailanman ay di niya gusto ang amoy ng sigarilyo kahit na gabi-gabi niya itong nalalanghap sa mga kasama niya. Pinigilan niyang sandali ang kanyang paghinga at ngumiti. May bumubukol sa pantalon ng lalaki.

Inakbayan siya nito. Nakadikit na ang kanyang kaliwang suso sa braso ng kustomer. Pinilit niyang ngumiti nang ngumiti habang sinusubukang hilahin ang damit niya pababa para matakpan ang kanyang pusod na nakausli pati na din ang bumubukol sa kanyang mini-skirt.

 

Ang litrato ay mula sa Porno (2013) ni Adolf Alix Jr.